In service of leaning in for support I want to share what has been happening over here. I am certainly aware of my circumstances and that I have a choice in how I am being about them. I am also aware that I am up against a lot of circumstances right now. The most challenging thing for me and the most confronting thing for me and the reason I am on this planet is for my daughter Lillian. She has been consistently stressed and anxious around school this year. All other things in life seem to go smoothly and we talk through it all but for some reason she shuts down and is unwilling to air it out with me what it is for her to have to go to school other than she just doesn’t like it. It has been in the past years that she will have a week or two where she struggles going to school and then she gets into a routine and all is well. It has been that I force her to go by throwing her over my shoulder and placing her in the office in pj’s. This was the way I was told to do it and it would break my heart every time I did it. I would be in tears driving away from the school feeling like a failure. This year is different. Every week when I get her from her mom she has been refusing to go. I told myself I would t force her any more. It isn’t ok to do that to her. And then I changed my mind a couple weeks ago and ended up forcing her into the truck after she refused to get ready. She didn’t have a shirt on and I was trying to put one on her in the back of the truck. I gave up then and there and went back to just being with her. She has been hiding in the bathrooms under the sink. It scares me because one time when I was dropping her off I went into the office to ask for help letting them know I was going to drop her off again and when I went back to the truck she wasn’t there. At least I didn’t see her there. She was in the truck. But I had all the school office people looking for her. Even the principal was out looking for her. Her school is on a busy road and I was so scared she would run out in front of a car. She gets so emotionally hijacked that she can’t see what is happening around her. Anywho that is just a taste of what I have been up against and every week the cycle starts over where she is shut down Monday when I get her. She refuses to go to school Tuesday. Sometimes I get her to go late sometimes she doesn’t go at all. Then by Wednesday she is getting back to willing to go and thursdays and fridays are a breeze. She has been locking herself in her bathroom and I finally took her door off so I didn’t have to keep sticking the little screwdriver into the little hole to unlock it. Yesterday and today were no acceptation and have been the worst days so far. Tonight we received a journal in the mail called big life journal for kids. She opened it I told her it was for her as I was heading off to the bathroom. When I came back the journal was in the trash and she was hiding in the dogs kennel. I took the journal out of the trash can and she freaked out about me having it. I spent two hours with her as she tried to get me to throw it away again. She still hasn’t told me what about the journal has her so upset. She cried herself to sleep last night as well. I have a clear picture in my mind about why she comes back to me spun out and it makes sense. It’s so hard to be with every other week and it drains me. Lillian has a therapist and we are working together to help her. I am doing as much as I can to be with her mom as coparents and I have a standing offer to do therapy with her mom but she is not willing. She did agree to go to parenting classes with me and I have found a couple programs to enroll he to joining me. It’s crazy because Lillian can be fine almost all of the time and then she flips around school and homework. Her mom has ptsd. She grew up in a household of physical and emotional abuse were present. She was molested and raped. She was raped again while we were married. She didn’t tell anyone for 5 years. She was suicidal. And Lillian lived through it all. And still does. My ex was telling me how she is struggling with her ptsd from boyfriend going back to his ex who was being raped and beaten up by her boyfriend. So it makes sense Lillian is more spun out this week. It seems like she has a new boyfriend every 6 months. I own my responsibilities in that failed marriage. I am determined to not be that man that let things be when I should have stood for something more. The whole reason I took on AC was to be able to be a better father partner brother son friend for the people I love. I am. And I see I can be more. I am going to be more for Lillian. I am more for her every time she has a melt down. And she opens up to me more and more. It brakes my heart that she is hurting. I get so frustrated with my ex wife for how she is with Lillian. It’s like the self worth hose gets plugged into Lillian and my ex uses her as a fuel stop to feel better about herself instead of it being the other way around. There is so much judgment here from me and I have do completion and I go back in over and over and I will continue to. And I will be the one for my daughter and for my ex for my daughter.
I still have completion to do around my relationship with amber. I allowed for us to be together for so long without actually airing out my needs and allowing for her to not share her needs. I’m very aware of my conditions of satisfaction now and I can see how we weren’t right for each other. I am grateful for her and our time together and I have grown so much from the experience.
In addition to all of that I received a certified letter today from the buyer of the miller horn property looking to take 500,000 off the principle of the loan we gave him from the sale of the property a few months ago. We did a seller carry back for 2,250,000 He is claiming we didn’t disclose something and has hired an attorney. I could write a book about all the conflicts I went through with my partner including my uncle dying on the property while working for my partner. and it took me 5 years to get to the point where we sold the property and a year of me doing remediation of grading and zoning violation issues myself because I didn’t have any money to hire someone else. I would literally be operation a wheel loader and an excavator at night and on the weekend cleaning up processing and removing thousands of yards of fill material my partner brought into the property. and all in service of me exiting the partnership. I see it as I’m lucky to have this kind of problem and it is still something I am going to have to navigate going forward.
I have 4 other properties that I have been on autopilot with as I went through the last year of not doing the work myself and relying on my two employees to do the work. I have big visions for them all and most of my plans have been moving forward at a snails pace. I have a pending code violation and site plan permit that is a pending matter that deserves more of my time and attention then what I have been giving it. At times I fantasize about selling it all giving up on AC, not being a coach, giving up on being in a committed relationship and just focusing my time on Lillian and traveling the world when I don’t have her every other week. Then I get back to the reality that I can have it all and that my fantasy is just me running and hiding from myself and indulging in my ways of being that create the struggle.
One other thing that is a capacity suck for me is the cash for cars business. I sold the business to one of my employees after I went through divorce. I didn’t have the capacity to keep working it at that point. He didn’t perform on the contract and I had to take it back. I have a new buyer who isn’t experienced enough to where I can walk away so I have been mentoring him to get him to where he can do it on his own. It’s not a huge responsibility but it takes something for me to do it.
The last thing I have going on is a partnership I created with my brother and sisters. We bought a house together about a year ago and the tenant quit paying rent. We just finished the 6 month eviction process that should have been 3 months. It has been on me to manage most of the process. one of my sisters just had a baby my brother is up to his eyeballs in school work at SDSU. And my other sister has been dealing with a tumor in her forehead and we are waiting to find out if it is cancer or not. So from there I have taken on most of the process and I am right in the middle of clean up and rehab to get a new tenant in so everyone doesn’t have to keep feeding the partnership from no rent coming in.
I see my patterns of behavior here and I’m sure it’s more clear for you all. I have played out the victim role pretty thoroughly in all areas of my life until recently. I slip back into old habits still. Someone texted me something recently that reflected less is more. One of the things I am looking at is how to deconstruct the entanglement I have spent my whole life creating to get to simple and easy.
I am making it all heavy over here. What I need is a regular diet of completion. Who is willing to be a weekly completion and accountability buddy with me? I’m looking for three people. Who will be willing to commit to me for at least the next three months?