Sabrina, thanks so much for putting all of this on loud speaker. I totally acknowledge you for the bravery it takes to have such an Open Kimono with your SM. My heart breaks thinking about the pain you are in, and what it must be like to be in your head with this voice. You don’t deserve any of this, and your SM is fucking Wily! What a schemer!
I also hear the pain and fear with regards to the people around you, and how big your heart is. My dad is also an alcoholic, and without knowing exactly what you are going through, I can relate on some level. So if you ever want to talk about it. In my program year Wendy suggested I go to Al Anon, have you ever been??
Yes I will absolutely be the one to call you on Thursday. I am free between 2-4, what works best for you?
I notice I feel a bit stuck with all of this. There is a part of me that just wants to love up on you, and there is a part of me that feels like we are acquiescing to your SM. Not by loving you, we would do that any way, to be clear. I am all for drowning out your SM through support and love, but I’m very curious what you are taking on in terms of that voice in your head separate from us? I know you have Berna, (did you two create a breakthrough in trust and partnership??) Are you also seeing a therapist? We can fight our triggers with structures, but some of what you put in also occurs like there is a need for healing work?
We love you. You are as much a part of this team as anyone else. No one dislikes or judges you. We got you. Please continue to get what you need, and let us know how to show up <3