Reply To: Mike & Charlie – Call Forth

#209027
 Charlie Horn
Participant

Thanks T for the call out. And from a place of love and support. This is super appreciated. First I want to own a little tinge of defensiveness that came up. There is more than Lillian at play for me and it feels a bit like throwing darts at what has me not enrolled fully in reg, client game, being qualified as support coach and not program coach, team communication, playing all out in AC and more. I get this is my judgment and I also want to say I have more happening over here and I will take this opportunity to share.
I am selling my house. It’s been a lot of doing since our last module and I’m in escrow now selling my house and buying my new house. I’m caught up on what is necessary to get my house ready to sell and qualified for a new loan. It takes something in the doing department that has my time taken more than usual.
mom the same front I have been putting off refinancing a loan for 1.4 million on one of my properties. I have a hard money loan for 275k due in a little more than a year and if I don’t get that paid it wouldn’t be good. So I have been working on that as well.
I have a small vacant lot I own with a really good friend and we recently had a permit approved that made the property useable. We didn’t intend to sell it ever but I have another egos friend that had to have it for his business and the stars aligned to where I can’t say no to his offer which has had me in negotiations and handling contracts to move forward.

Its been 2 months since I threw in the towel with amber. She finally came over on Sunday and got her girls bikes and surf board and some clothes she left behind. I have been dating and having fun meeting new women. I’m taking my time with reconciling what actually happened with amber and I keep landing on the same thing that happened with Julie. That is I was being the victim to there behavior and I was being insecure and defended which was a catalyst to the results I was getting. From that place I have work to do before I am willing to go back in with someone fully committed.
Julie has me most taken out in my life. I am so at affect of her defended posturing. I texted her tonight asking if I could have Lillian for our family North Pole party. It’s really awesome for the kiddos. Every year some of us dresses up as Santa and his elves and all the kids get to sit on Santa’s lap and ask for what they want. I remember when Julie and I were still married she refused to go and wouldn’t let Lillian go because she didn’t think my family liked her. Anywho tonight I asked her to have Lillian but not to ask Lillian unless she was supportive of Lillian going because Lillian would know and inherently be forced to chose between us. Her one sent ace response was “thanks for assuming the negative” that’s all I got. So I told her I truly didn’t mean it to be negative and I am simply looking at it for Lillian and appologized. Historically that is where the conversation will end for a couple days. Then I will go back for another swing if it’s something I really want for me or for Lillian. This last week Lillian told me I’m always thinking she is sad when she is with her mom and I’m always blowing up her moms phone. She said her mom told her that 🙁 so how do I reconcile how to be with Julie? I just have to get complete and keep coming from essence. And I do. And she is responsive, sometimes. But mostly angry and guarded and ready to pounce with the dagger to the heart of her criticizing words.

my great uncle died a couple of months ago. He was a brilliant man and the last grand figure in my family. That was tough for me because I didn’t go see him in the end and I’m still torn as to wether it was something I should have done. My uncle who I worked for as a mechanic for seven years and had a falling out with is dying right now. He’s been haveing health issues for a long time and my mom just told me he probably isn’t going to be making it out of the hospital this time. His two sons and I were close and we all went through this firing/quitting/I’m no longer going to be your friend or family event which has me again hesitant to go see my uncle before he dies.

my sisters and brother and I formed a partnership and bought a house to fix up and rent and we just finished the 7 month long eviction clean up and rehab and got a new tenant into the house over the weekend. It could have been a little less painful but I was leaning on my family to make things happen instead of driving the boat. I see how I could have been more involved and not done the work myself. What a great learning experience and it created some tension in my relationship with my siblings. We have come out the other side of it better off and I’m grateful for how I handled it all because there was mucho gold in it for me and my sisters relationships.
those are the big things that have me distracted and at affect of coaching and all things AC.  With the holidays I have given myself permission to fall back into my normal cycle further than what may be ideal but I am also really thankful for this because it has been another opportunity for creating that deeper knowing around what is and isn’t serving me.
what isn’t serving me is staying up late and getting up late. Not playing out loud with team. Not being qualified as program coach (yes I was paying attention when red flags were taking production call time for mike and I when we could have spent that time in cocoaching. I see the breakdown and the power leak for team from that and from all the time I have missed playing client game at module. I loved T time today and it made me realize what I have been missing because I am not qualified.
anywho I am going to stop here and finish by saying thanks again T and team You are allbeautiful humans. Damn it how lucky am I to be here with you all. I’m going to continue to re presence myself to why I’m here. It’s to love the hell out of all the people in my life so unconditionally they can’t help but love themselves. I want Julie to be filled up so she can fill Lillian up. Have you all seen the Mr Rogers movie with Tom Hanks? It’s genius. And I want to be Mr Rogers. Well I want to possess the qualities he had and still be me going 120 miles per hour down the Baja peninsula in my race car. I don’t know if he would have done that. Maybe.
I declare to bring my breakdowns in real time and let it land however it lands without fear of being unworthy or creating a mess. I declare to handle my life in such a way that it allows for All things AC from the place of generating multitudes of unconditional love all around me. I declare to lean on team to be the clearing for me and generate the clearing for our participants. I declare I will get hired 1 more time before next module and plug the power leak my unqualified dingy is creating while its bouncing around on the side of the team ship as its getting drug through the water like an anchor.
I declare I will create the structures mecessary to overcome my resistance to playing reg and respond to the reg emails. Thanks for getting in there Mike and showing me the way. No more excuses. It’s all cpr from here. And it’s going to take some work. The completion diet is back on and from a sustainable pace.

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