Hi There Team!
I just wanted to put on loudspeaker that I am extremely nervous about tomorrow. I would put my nerves in the 8-9 range on a scale of 1-10. Every time I think about our meeting tomorrow I want to puke- I feel sweaty and nauseous. I feel similar feelings thinking about being at the next module in that room again. Which is such a bummer because I am also really looking forward to next module and seeing everyone! I am so down to clear the pukey feels and make room for the joy and excitement.
My SM is telling me all sorts of things like “If you are honest during tomorrow’s exercise then T will hold all of that stuff on you and so will your team and then they will have all of the fuel they need to kick you off the team.” I really don’t want to get asked to leave the team.
My SM gives me amnesia so I am not exactly sure what was said but LKT said something at the last module that went into my brain along the lines of “we will need to re-evaluate whether or not this is the right team.” Like I said, I am not exactly sure what was said but that is how my SM has taken whatever it was and keeps hitting me in the face with it. Those words have been bouncing around in my head and making me want to puke and cry and hide and play dumb and soften my edges so I am easier to be with and shield my power and try extra hard and then I get resentful because “I can’t be honest and be myself” and because “I’m too much” and now I am trapped and in just full on fear-cry mode.
My SM works me into this paralysis spiral of self-loathing. It is very painful. I am aware of the spiral and I see it for what it is and I know it is not me. I know I am responsible for the story I tell and I know I have another story to tell. An empowering, happy story. If my SM runs the show it will have me scared shitless that I will be dismissed from this team for being honest and for being myself. My SM tells me that I have no room to fuck up because my errors are so selfish and annoying and painful for everyone else. I have been having terrible dreams and waking up in sweats lately. I am really, really super down to have a breakthrough.
I know that our time tomorrow will not be well spent with me hiding, lying or speaking in sugar coated half truths about how my experience has gone. I get that the “I exercise” is all about sharing MY experience with someone else and listening as they share theirs. I know that the pain of my experiences are a result of interpretation and me assigning significance, fault, blame and meaning to my feelings. I am into breaking all of that up and seeing things in pure light and love. I am willing. I am also very, very scared.
I don’t have a whole lot of life evidence to show me that it is ever safe to be open hearted and to share “uncomfortable” or “negative” emotions/feelings out loud. I actually have a lot of experiences and evidence to say that what I feel is wrong and bad because I am inherently a wrong and bad person. And that I deserve pain and suffering in solitude on account of being such a horrible, awful person. I am so nervous and I want you all to know that I am nervous. I feel like I am laid bare and I am crying really hard with a knot in my throat as I write this.
I am walking in tomorrow fully committed to coming in clear and complete AND to being vulnerable and honest. My intention is to be present and open hearted with T and team and joined by awesome and supportive other coaches in love. I am committed to checking my ego which I know comes from fear. My intention is to humble myself, to be open and to practice speaking from my heart.
Currently, I don’t have 100% trust that it is safe. So, on some level I am willing to exercise faith that I will be held even when it doesn’t feel like that can be so. I am so scared of having me thrown back in my face and weaponizing my vulnerability against me.
Anyhow, I love you all and I am going to get in a warm bath and a cozy bed here in a few so I can be well rested for tomorrow.
From the top of the high dive with All my LOVE;