I worked with Juliana today to re-frame my overwhelm into something more empowering and decide how to move forward from here and what I need. What I determined is that I need to be understood. I need my speaking and feeling of overwhelm to be taken seriously and get support. I need patience and for people to go easy on me.
I am shifting the context from overwhelmed to over-committed. What thriving means for me right now, is radical acceptance of being over-committed. I know it’s temporary, I’ll get somewhere else eventually. In the meantime, I am not only allowing myself to be here, but accepting it powerfully and just letting it be the way things are right now and letting it be the thing that has me asking for help, which is a breakthrough for me.
In service of my need to be understood, I want to share with you some of what’s going on in my world.
As you know, I recently laid off some staff. So in general we are all taking on more responsibilities than normal. I do not have a graphic designer anymore, and I’m the only person on the team with graphics experience, so that task has landed back on my plate again. And you might say, “Just hire someone.” But we are in a stage of needing to simplify, stabilize, and get profitable or we are in big trouble. Ever since I started coaching, the business has suffered. And that is just a fact. Here’s one simple example….
I had a goal this week to make $14K/day. Here are the results:
“What’s up with Tuesday?” You might wonder. Tuesday is my coaching day! I have two coaching calls and AC calls. Tuesdays are simply difficult for me to pull off. I can’t be in two places at once.
The significance of $14K/day was not just for fun. It was a necessity. I had $70,000 in bills that I had to pay this week. About $27K in taxes, $23K in loan payments, and $20K in legal fees. Aaaand, I fell short. Falling short means conversations and moving money around. Everything has a consequence. Every moment I take away from one commitment affects another commitment. It’s just the way that it is.
In my tech startup, lash.live, I need to hire a new CEO. I cannot run that business any longer. I’m just not getting things done. I have the development team waiting on me. I have the shareholders waiting on me. We’ve gotten the app to an amazing place where it’s ready to grow and I don’t have enough room in my calendar to prioritize it. So I had to make the tough choice of stepping down from my own company. Now we have to find a new CEO and even that requires a lot of research, interviews, etc. I have a pitch deck for fundraising that was supposed to be done four weeks ago and I have not started it yet.
I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture. Sometimes I feel like I can’t share a lot of what’s happening over here because I’ll be told that it’s just a context, which feels dismissive. Even if it is, there’s a cause and effect of every thing I do and prioritize and I feel trapped sometimes. I was telling Juliana that I feel like I’m standing inside of a glass box screaming and nobody can hear me, they just assume I’m being dramatic.
I’m not a dramatic person. I’m quite pragmatic, in fact. I can handle a lot at once and I am highly productive. But right now it’s just too much and I need to be able to say that and not have it be fixed or dismissed or coached and just be heard and acknowledged. I am choosing to allow myself to be in this place for now, knowing that it’s temporary and will practice asking for support.
One thing that came to mind is asking for support with my participants. I need help getting Jonathan passed on essence. I am having a hard time getting it in my schedule. I would like to do it next week, but I already have a pretty packed schedule and I have Jocelyn coming down to support me so that I can focus on getting my pitch deck together for lash.live. Is there someone who can support Jonathan getting passed on his essence on Wednesday? That is his day off work and he wants to do it in the afternoon.
This post isn’t as shiny and articulate as my comfort level prefers, but I’m posting it anyway instead of taking time to tweak and perfect it. Practicing acceptance. Haha.