I am available at 9:15ish am PST tomorrow 🙂
I also (finally) asked my coach for support. Can you believe it?! I have NEVER asked my coach to support me outside of our one hour calls once per week where I insist on only talking about business because if I don’t make money and have a successful business then this “investment” in myself was a total fucking waste. blah blah blah.
Well. What. The. Eff. I have never even requested spot coaching or any sort of additional completion support from Berna, ever. Of course I am 100% SO HAPPY to support my clients whenever the heck they need or want it. I encourage them to let me know when they need support, to keep in touch in between sessions, etc. And yet, I hold that back from myself. There’s something there.
So, Berna and I had a call this evening and it helped quite a bit. Of course. Because she is a earth angel and a beautiful model of be with from unconditional love. She is so patient with me. I didn’t even feel angry talking to her but I know that I do have anger. I have not been working out/moving my body enough/expressing my anger. Shorty and I are going to go for a long run on the beach tomorrow morning. And I can not wait for that.
At any rate. I know that there is a pattern. So, get ready to see the 180 come out a few more times. My pattern of “snap back” or great resistance that happens in proportion to the amount of new to which I am creating. Yes, I do think there is a way to create new without the painful weaponizing against myself and others that has been my way so far AND I will need to practice to get there. I also notice that about a week after the module I “turn on the team.” This isn’t me waffling (although it feels like that at the time) this is my innate response to feeling motivated, inspired, excited and connected. This last snap was particularly painful in part because what we created during this last module was so powerful. It is difficult for me to experience excitement (in my life feeling excited is dangerous and is going to hurt someone/you or piss them off/bragging and excitement “means” that you are shoving something in their face and being a know it all).
I also realize that I have created a false timeline for myself and am pressuring myself into making a decision if I am declaring into AC for the next 5 years or declaring out at the end of this year. I don’t actually need to decide that, now. A lot of my anger is bubbling out of feeling pressured (I can’t stand it when I am rushed) and I realize no one is putting that on me but me. Added urgency is happening because I literally do not know how long this lock down will last/where I will be as a human in September. Again, some stuff that I cooked up to freak myself out and add more stress to me.
I definitely do have incompletions but I would like to take those on for myself, with myself and with my coach at this time. Thank you all for your powerful and loving responses. Being with love and acceptance is challenging for me. I want to share that I actually got very sourced from my now virtual improv class tonight. All the students were acknowledging me so beautifully and thanking me for truly being a leader at a time when people were terrified to make any move. Everyone was like, “It’s amazing that you got all of us together and moved the entire theater online in just a few hours when it’s like our governments and schools are all paralyzed right now.” And I was like, “Game ON! Let’s get out there and shine everywhere for people.” I want to say that I truly, deeply am grateful for this work. SM and incompletions and righteousness and spikiness and ontological BO and the whole 9 yards. Thank GOD I chose to invest in myself this way. I am here for my community in my little corner of the world from a complear place and I can be a powerful leader even when I am scared and angry and insecure and feeling stepped on and taken advantage of. I can actually be with all of those feelings and still be a powerful leader.
Thank you for your kindness, patience and love. I will take on completion and daily clearing. I will work out. I will keep playing out loud. I will be CPR and I will wear ontological deodorant.