I am feeling really frustrated today. I cried for the first time since all this COVID stuff has been happening. I was talking to Jocelyn about her UI benefits (because I reduced my staff to half their hours). They are finally kicking in for her, which means she has to be more strict about only working 20 hours per week. The thing is… With the extra $600/week that the CARES Act offers for unemployment, she and the rest of my employees are actually making more money to work half the hours. And look, I am happy that they are getting financially supported. But it’s just a wonky feeling to have the people who normally support me making more money to support me less. And that’s just the situation we’re in, so there’s nothing I can do about it. And I’m glad they are getting what they need. But I am super overwhelmed. It’s bringing up some feelings that I can’t quite put my finger on.
Meanwhile… I am getting zero support from my mom. And I don’t want it. Sunday I thought I was going to have to call the cops because she wouldn’t stop following me around screaming. She is so emotionally unhinged, and when she gets that way she takes it out on me. She’s been having screaming fits, yelling and cursing at me and the kids. She has all these grievances about how I’ve apparently made her feel “invisible” over the last couple of years because I don’t give her enough gratitude and attention (this is why all her life’s frustrations are pointed at me right now). Despite the fact that I’ve spent two years providing a home and money for her to live, took her to many trips to the hospital, and paid for her rehab which saved her life, she feels that I haven’t done enough for her.
It hit me today why I have this habit of rescuing people and doing all the things for all the people… My parents trained me to believe that I should have nothing. They started taking from me when I was a kid. I would babysit and do things to earn money and they would take it. My mom still to this day tries to piggyback all of my success, but then tears me down for “working too much” and not being a good enough person/mom/daughter.
I figured out the reason I have been having issues with my wifi at home is because they moved the modem so that they could get a better connection in their cottage in the back of the house. Because god forbid they pay for their own wifi. Or their own anything.
The burdens I’ve been carrying taking care of everyone else is culminating now as I find myself in a situation with no support and with everyone complaining to me about what they’re no longer getting from me. And honestly, as bad as it feels, it also feels good. Because I’m not going to have it go this way anymore. The nanosecond this thing is over, everyone is getting kicked out! I am totally restructuring my life and my business. So that’s exciting.
But right now it all feels really hard.