I'm Struggling

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  • #231163
     Charlie Horn
    Participant

    Sabrina,

    Im late to the party here. Forgive me. I am so proud of you. You are the rock and foundation of commitment. It’s amazing to witness the massive growth and willingness you are being with yourself and our team. From the first day we met you stood in the face of fear and uncertainty and stared it down from that place of demand for yourself to have something different, new, better, more loving, more community, more you at your highest and best self. You are generation and inspiration. Love light compassion and spiky and shaky and I am so happy to know it all. There is no unknowing the true Sabrina, Your essence, and from there there is no experience or thing that could make me  not be lifetime committed to our friendship. So what that means is I can’t wait to be years down the road and check in with you knowing and trusting that whatever circumstances that have come and gone the real you will be there. I look forward to being there.

    #230770
     Tiffany Turner
    Participant

    Thanks for asking Berna for what you need!

     

    And thanks for getting sourced by your improv team. I’ll try to remember how much they bring you back to being so that when you’re taken out, I can suggest being with them as a way to bring you back to essence.

    Could you clarify if you’d like team support at 9:15am today? I’m not clear.

    #230752
     Sabrina Pratt
    Participant

    Hi!

    I am available at 9:15ish am PST tomorrow 🙂

    I also (finally) asked my coach for support. Can you believe it?! I have NEVER asked my coach to support me outside of our one hour calls once per week where I insist on only talking about business because if I don’t make money and have a successful business then this “investment” in myself was a total fucking waste. blah blah blah.

    Well. What. The. Eff. I have never even requested spot coaching or any sort of additional completion support from Berna, ever. Of course I am 100% SO HAPPY to support my clients whenever the heck they need or want it. I encourage them to let me know when they need support, to keep in touch in between sessions, etc. And yet, I hold that back from myself. There’s something there.

    So, Berna and I had a call this evening and it helped quite a bit. Of course. Because she is a earth angel and a beautiful model of be with from unconditional love. She is so patient with me. I didn’t even feel angry talking to her but I know that I do have anger. I have not been working out/moving my body enough/expressing my anger. Shorty and I are going to go for a long run on the beach tomorrow morning. And I can not wait for that.

    At any rate. I know that there is a pattern. So, get ready to see the 180 come out a few more times. My pattern of “snap back” or great resistance that happens in proportion to the amount of new to which I am creating. Yes, I do think there is a way to create new without the painful weaponizing against myself and others that has been my way so far AND I will need to practice to get there. I also notice that about a week after the module I “turn on the team.” This isn’t me waffling (although it feels like that at the time) this is my innate response to feeling motivated, inspired, excited and connected. This last snap was particularly painful in part because what we created during this last module was so powerful. It is difficult for me to experience excitement (in my life feeling excited is dangerous and is going to hurt someone/you or piss them off/bragging and excitement “means” that you are shoving something in their face and being a know it all).

    I also realize that I have created a false timeline for myself and am pressuring myself into making a decision if I am declaring into AC for the next 5 years or declaring out at the end of this year. I don’t actually need to decide that, now. A lot of my anger is bubbling out of feeling pressured (I can’t stand it when I am rushed) and I realize no one is putting that on me but me. Added urgency is happening because I literally do not know how long this lock down will last/where I will be as a human in September. Again, some stuff that I cooked up to freak myself out and add more stress to me.

    I definitely do have incompletions but I would like to take those on for myself, with myself and with my coach at this time. Thank you all for your powerful and loving responses. Being with love and acceptance is challenging for me. I want to share that I actually got very sourced from my now virtual improv class tonight. All the students were acknowledging me so beautifully and thanking me for truly being a leader at a time when people were terrified to make any move. Everyone was like, “It’s amazing that you got all of us together and moved the entire theater online in just a few hours when it’s like our governments and schools are all paralyzed right now.” And I was like, “Game ON! Let’s get out there and shine everywhere for people.” I want to say that I truly, deeply am grateful for this work. SM and incompletions and righteousness and spikiness and ontological BO and the whole 9 yards. Thank GOD I chose to invest in myself this way. I am here for my community in my little corner of the world from a complear place and I can be a powerful leader even when I am scared and angry and insecure and feeling stepped on and taken advantage of. I can actually be with all of those feelings and still be a powerful leader.

    Thank you for your kindness, patience and love. I will take on completion and daily clearing. I will work out. I will keep playing out loud. I will be CPR and I will wear ontological deodorant.

    Thank you.

    Sabrina

    #230630
     Nichole
    Participant

    Sabs, hi! We got you. I have a call with Jonathan from 10-11 tomorrow but am otherwise available and happy to support.

    #230609
     Sabrina Pratt
    Participant

    Hi Team- thank you for your powerful and loving responses.

    As I acknowledged this morning on production- I have ontological BO right now. I am stinky. I am being very self-righteous about my stink and am sitting in it. I’m having a tantrum over here and then dressing it up so I can show up powerfully as leader in other parts of my life and then throwing a shit-fit in front of you all. (normally I would throw the shit fit alone and then just be a crabby bitch to you all and other people so I am genuinely trying something different by being public about it and sharing out loud to you all).

    My SM doesn’t really allow the loving stuff to get through and the stay on the inside. I kept reading and re-reading your responses. Some of it got in yesterday afternoon and I allowed myself to cry but then the walls went right back up. The only thing that has super stuck with me is Jeff saying, “I don’t have time for this- she should just quit.” And that’s what my SM has been slamming me with on repeat. Even in my sleep- I even had a dream about it in my sleep. I have shame over the “here we go again with the 180” and I’m like, “I’m trying!” but I don’t actually know if I am. I might just be indulging myself. I am trying to reason with my SM and it’s making it even worse 🙁 Dang it! I’m stuck. I’m caught. Argh!

    Please help me!

    To answer Jeff’s question- by when will I get complete and with whom. I actually see an opportunity to create some completion via group conversation and I would like to be supported by you, Team. I see a lot of opportunity for all of us there. Team, who would be willing to support with a group conversation tomorrow morning (Wednesday morning) before 11am PST? My request is for more than one person on a call with me- my SM is a biter and she gets bitey 1:1 so 2:1 or 3:1 would be ideal. Who is available? 

    I actually do need some direct responses to some of my inquiries, too. The ambiguity and confusion is actually giving me places to get stuck. I am happy to have those conversations via phone, too. Again- would prefer more than 1:1 right now, based on the spikiness of my ole sm.

    Team, what do you see for me to bring at this time so as to be a clear demand for the support that I need? 

    #230490
     Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks, team, for showing up with these powerful responses.

    Sabrina, if you can hear one more… I love you, too! ❤️❤️❤️ There was a time when we all teamed up to make our voices louder than yours. Can we do that again? And what would have our voices stick?

    Also, what do you need? Do you need answers to some of your concerns? I saw what Britt pointed to about that adding juice to the fire. But I wonder… Maybe it wouldn’t? I know personally when I understand something, it’s harder for my SM to make up stories about it. Knowledge is power. ❤️

    Lastly, I got Mike. I owe him a call back anyway.

    #230463
     Brittany Cotton
    Participant

    I just remembered something.

    Sabs you once said when your SM turns outward on others, it’s ten times worse internally. When I thought this, I felt so heartbroken. I imagine your safety space, your home with your furry family, is turned inside out and upside down. Your structures for business are incredibly impacted. And then with all this with team, I’m just picturing how much hurt you must be in. I know maybe you can’t hear us right now, but I wanted you to know I know you turn inwards and beat yourself up, so I’m wondering what there might be to create to turn that noise down internally? My suspicion is you are mentally and emotionally beating yourself up, as you watch all this chaos around you. And I want you to be seen and acknowledged and heard.

    I hope you can hear this from my heart to yours, you are loved.

    I’ve also heard you say hurt people, hurt people. I refuse to add to this, and refuse to continue the cycle. So if you need to scream, if you need to rant, if you need to kick, I will witness whatever you need to be seen, and continue to love you.

    #230462
     Juliana Sih
    Participant

    Sabs, it makes me sad to see you in pain. I very much enjoyed our recent time together! You are one powerful Leader!

    I think it’s pretty normal to be experiencing all this right now. SM’s are on steroids and having a field day. Things are changing rapidly and its normal to be in this space. Thanks for sharing all of you with us.

    What I have found for myself is that this particular time is for healing, reflecting, reprioritizing and expanding. No more distracting and justifying why my SM is the way is it. No more running away from fear and blaming others. It’s time to do the deep work.

    My experience of you is that the closer and more connected you get to us, the more your SM wants to fight and distance itself.

    For this moment, can you let this be? Can you touch this with compassion? What would love say to you right now? What do you truly need?

     

     

     

    #230428
     Brittany Cotton
    Participant

    Hey Sabs,

    What I am so present to is how much pain you are in, and how much love is needed. I am so sorry you are dealing with everything on your plate. As a child of an alcoholic I feel absolutely sick thinking about you living with your dad, and being responsible for so much. I can’t imagine and I’m just taken out by how much pain everyone is in from all of this.

    What I know about you is you are light, you are hilarious, you are joy, you are stand, you are brilliance, you are love, you are passion. You have a fiery radiance to you, that looks like bad ass coaching, sometimes looks like comedy and improv, and sometimes is pure creativity. Sometimes its in a picture of you loving up on Butters and Lil Shorty, sometimes its you standing for Lesa.

    I also know that your SM is a pro at having you on the outside, feeling left out, unloved, defended, and wronged. And in this moment I don’t know the best way to get on the other side of your SM to support you, because my gut tells me that its set up so strong there are few ways in or around it. I don’t know how we can win with you in this moment or be what you need.

    And so I just keep going back to love. Sabs there is deep deep love here for you. I think we could go and give an explanation for each thing you brought, and my hunch is that would provide your SM with more Juice for its fire. And I won’t.

    I love you, and your SM wants you to believe thats hard and not true. I won’t take the bait.

    We love you. I love you. We all want you to win.

    How can we love you so deeply that your sm takes a break?

    #230394
     Jeff Miller
    Participant

    Hey Sabrina and Team,

    Sabrina, thanks for fully owning that you are in your SM. And just because you or anyone else are in our SM doesn’t make those feelings suck any less. I hear that you are sad, angry, frustrated, just to name a few. And I also know that to some extent this is pretty normal. After the module you created a stand that team go over and beyond with supporting each other. You even created buddies! (I love the buddy system). You were being a leader and creating from this place. It was predictable that we will all get home and get sucked in to what is going on in the world and circumstances would be heavy. You spoke to this and creating structures for team proactively. And now you are at your house with your Dad, and everything that comes with that. First, I want to acknowledge you for continuing to lean into that relationship and except your Dad despite his faults. I have it that you are an amazing daughter and because you are doing the work, your relationship with your Dad has a great chance if being a positive one. Thank you for being the one for your Dad.

    I am not going to justify, or speak specifically about each thing you mentioned. I don’t see that serving the team as a whole or you in this conversation. I would be happy to get on a call with you and address anything you would like. I personally enjoy connecting with you and always get value and inspiration when we connect. I would love to give the team a little play by play of what went on in my head when reading your post this morning. I rarely put my process on loud speaker, but in this case I will in service of the team. After reading your post I thought to myself, “seems like this structure is too big, confronting, or painful for Sabrina. She should just quit then.” I was thinking to myself “Here we go again. A complete 180 in a short amount of time. And nobody has got time for this right now.” And after I shaved, showered and cleared, I came back to your post from a different place. I was actually willing to be with your post and then willing to do the work and get my stuff out of the way. When I am in my SM I go back to the individual sport mentality. Things like, this is why I can’t trust people, nobody really cares about me or what I create, etc. And I know this is not true, but it feels true in the moment. After clearing my stuff out of the way, I see that you have acknowledged that you are incomplete and in your SM. You also said that you don’t want to get complete with one of us so as to not stir the pot. Okay sounds like a plan. Who will you get complete with and by when? Sometimes when people are incomplete I notice there is a long gap between identifying they are incomplete and actually doing the work. The first question of any completion exercise is “are you willing to be complete?” I would love for all of us (myself included) to shorten this window in service of our leadership and our team. To Kerry’s point on a previous point, we will get through this. And we are stronger together than apart. I am a stand that we lean in to getting support (even if this means stirring things up), and also being responsible for being CPR. For myself this means clearing and completing a lot more often. Also going back to my well-being structures and getting my needs met.

    Sabrina, YOU ARE A BADASS WORLD CHANGING LEADER! I love all of you and everyone on this team. Whether you show up in your SM or your Essence. And I am a stand that you and everyone else get what they came here for and get supported in that possibility.

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