My Survival Mechanism: Enjoys Long Walks on the Beach

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  • #235441
     Juliana Sih
    Participant

    Wow! What an experience, I felt all the emotions as I read through this. Thanks for sharing  <3 I really get that you found the light at the end of the tunnel and are shifting. #win!

    I love you! Thanks for choosing to be here and for caring deeply for each of us.

     

    #235399
     Brittany Cotton
    Participant

    Sabs- holy moly. You captured the essence of that experience with your pup so well. I think we can all relate in some way, whether its kids or dogs, or something! Honestly this could be a short story.

    As everyone else has already said, we love you. You give us so much no matter how you show up. Even when spikey! For reals. You are a gift and we aren’t going anywhere!

    #235390
     Jeff Miller
    Participant

    That you so much for sharing Sabs! So wonderful to really see you and your amazing vulnerability here. We love you and are here for you and with you. You are an amazing human being and a privilege to call teammate and friend.

    #235333
     Tiffany Turner
    Participant

    Sabs the last few paragraphs of this were both heart wrenching, and gorgeous. I’m so happy for you to have this clearing, and that this awful experience with Shorty gave you access to it. I’m so proud of us for the work we’ve done together this year. You and I have created so much relationship, and it wasn’t predictable. Thanks for giving me grace, and giving yourself grace. We love you so much, and we’re so a demand for the gorgeous power that you are.

    #235285
     Nichole
    Participant

    Sabrina, thanks for writing this post. I relate to it a lot. The event you described with Shorty is exactly the type of thing that created all of our SMs in the first place. Times when we were feeling terrified, threatened, like we might lose something we love.

    Losing something we love… Man that one is a doozie, amiright?

    You will never lose us. We won’t run away from you. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability with us and for having so much compassion for your SM.

    #235274
     Sabrina Pratt
    Participant

    Hi Team!

    I am up early as heck today. My allergies are so bad I can only sleep for a few hours at a time right now 🙁 so I have been up since 4am and have already done my morning routine and most of my administrative work for the day. A breakthrough in routine arriving for Sabs via an unexpected and uncomfortable source- seasonal allergies!

    Anyway- I have had it in my heart to share an experience I had a few weeks ago where I was able to view my SM so clearly. It was wild. I want to share with you.

    I took Shorty the Wonder Dog to the beach a few weeks ago on a Saturday. We arrived around 6:40pm and I usually take her off leash (it’s a dog beach) and then she plays with the other dogs, chases birds, plays fetch, gets all tuckered out and we go home. Well, on this particular visit she would not put her leash on at 8pm when we had already been there for over an hour. It was cold and getting dark. I was hungry and tired and it was very stressful. She wouldn’t come when I called her. It was embarrassing. Other dog owners tried to help me but she is small and fast and stubborn. She knows to come when called and, on this occasion straight up refused. I didn’t have treats with me (I usually do because she’s like 80% trained to come when called and not reliable to ever want to leave the beach) and I was getting super frustrated. Plus, she is small and the same color as the sand so when it was getting darker I was having trouble seeing her and that was freaking me out. She kept climbing the rocks and running toward the road. Even writing this now with her sleeping on my lap my heart is pounding and there is a knot in my throat. The cops drove slowly by twice and the second time they shined their light on me. I wanted to be shout to them, “I’m not doing drugs by myself down here and I DO want to leave! I just gotta get my dog, first.”

    I was fighting not to start crying because I knew if it got to that point then it would really be a mess. It’s hard for me to think straight once I get that wound up. At one point I got so frustrated that I walked to the car- Shorty was following 6ft. behind me (practicing social distancing or just being a turd? jury’s still out) and I got in my car and started it. Usually that is enough that she will run to me and jump in the car with me but this time she turned to the left and darted toward the busy road. UGH. Even writing that makes me want to puke.

    I gotta get complete on this- holy cow. I didn’t realize how much emotion I still had around this event.

    Anyway- we got home at like 10pm. I finally caught her because this couple (fortunately) happened to walk by and Shorty ran over to the lady and I was like “GRAB HER PLEASE!” and so they caught her and gave her to me. I was so pissed/scared/sad/cold/angry the whole ride home. Shorty sat quietly staring straight ahead in the passenger seat. She knew she was in hella trouble. It was very tense between us. Especially because I tried to talk to her about it when we got home like she was a child but she is a dog, forgot what had happened already and just ate a napkin.

    So, I observed my survival mechanism. In Buddhist philosophy “played witness to myself.” And this is what I discovered. My anger, sadness, spikiness, etc. ALL come from fear. You all probably already knew that but it felt like a firework going off inside my head and I have been reeling. All the self-righteousness (spending this much time with my Dad lately has shown me just how dangerous it was to be wrong growing up) and the “mean ness” and the “snappiness” is totally from fear. AND I turn it on myself. In this situation with the dog at the beach I went very quickly through the array of angry/scared emotions and nose-dived directly into “I am a bad dog Mom, I should have brought treats, I should have trained her better, I shouldn’t have come to the beach so late, what if she gets hit?! I shouldn’t have adopted a dog. Who do I think I am that I can take care of another living creature when I can’t even take care of myself?!” AND swan dive into “I am a loser, a bad business owner, I am bad with my money, my AC team hates me, I will be alone forever, I live like a slob, I am a train wreck, I should just remove myself from Planet Earth because I am a waste of space, I am inherently broken and will never get ahead…etc. etc.

    It was truly wild to see how quickly my SM sought out my comfort zone of beating myself up. I have had exes cheat on me in the past and I blamed myself. Even when they were like, “this is not anything you did!” I am like, “Yeah, but it is.” I have blamed myself for my parents misery like “If I wasn’t here they wouldn’t have to stay together and have horrible lives” and for my Dad’s drinking like “He’s probably just lonely because you’re a bad daughter.” I mean- CRAZAY STUFF. I know logically that it is not true but it is inside of me. I am starting to cry as I write this.

    It’s probably time for me to eat lunch already…

    Team, I just want to share. What Vicky said on T Time hit me right between the eyes. I am thinking of when she said, “It is so incredible to see the love that you all have for each other that you can reflect so directly and boldly to eachother.” I get that you all love me. I am trying to love me. I am finally out of hating myself and now I am learning to love myself again. Or for the first time. Please be patient with me. I missed a few steps in the growing up process and grew up “too fast” sadly, in many ways which makes me emotionally stunted and a little bit immature. Please be compassionate with me in my messiness. I know that you are. I am also kind of pleading with myself for grace here. And I am totally crying as I write this.

    Anyway- thank you for loving me so much. I have had a lot of people stop at the spikiness. It’s a relief to know that there’s love to be had past that.

    Thank you.

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