1 year, 5 months ago #205665Charlie HornParticipant
you are absolute commitment to yourself and creating something different than how it has gone. I acknowledge you for being bravery and courage to stand and face your SM not knowing how it will go and what there is to do. I acknowledge your willingness to practice trust in the face of fear. I am so honored to be your friend and teammate. To witness your breakthroughs over and over and be compelled to work on me knowing what is possible from what you are modeling in your life. I acknowledge you for being long term committed to love and joy and laughter and fun. You have such beautiful emotional range. So full and diverse. You are truly a gift and bring the gold everywhere and with everyone. ❤️ We got you. You got this.1 year, 5 months ago #205218Jeff MillerParticipant
Thank you so much for continuing to put things on loud speaker, even when (and especially when) you feel like your SM is running the show. I can’t wait to get into more relationship with you and support you. Oh and I will be calling at 10:15 on Wednesday. I have a client until then. We got your back and love you.1 year, 5 months ago #205061Brittany CottonParticipant
Sabrina, thanks so much for putting all of this on loud speaker. I totally acknowledge you for the bravery it takes to have such an Open Kimono with your SM. My heart breaks thinking about the pain you are in, and what it must be like to be in your head with this voice. You don’t deserve any of this, and your SM is fucking Wily! What a schemer!
I also hear the pain and fear with regards to the people around you, and how big your heart is. My dad is also an alcoholic, and without knowing exactly what you are going through, I can relate on some level. So if you ever want to talk about it. In my program year Wendy suggested I go to Al Anon, have you ever been??
Yes I will absolutely be the one to call you on Thursday. I am free between 2-4, what works best for you?
I notice I feel a bit stuck with all of this. There is a part of me that just wants to love up on you, and there is a part of me that feels like we are acquiescing to your SM. Not by loving you, we would do that any way, to be clear. I am all for drowning out your SM through support and love, but I’m very curious what you are taking on in terms of that voice in your head separate from us? I know you have Berna, (did you two create a breakthrough in trust and partnership??) Are you also seeing a therapist? We can fight our triggers with structures, but some of what you put in also occurs like there is a need for healing work?
We love you. You are as much a part of this team as anyone else. No one dislikes or judges you. We got you. Please continue to get what you need, and let us know how to show up <31 year, 5 months ago #205057Tiffany TurnerParticipant
Sabs my heart is so full reading this. I’m so appreciative for you and your willingness to share what’s so over there.
I’m scared I’m gonna fuck up or make things worse so I’ll just say thank you for letting us in.1 year, 5 months ago #205030Juliana SihParticipant
Thanks you for trusting us, even if your SM doesn’t want to, and letting us in. Its so clear how much you love, and it’s the beautiful gift that you have to offer 🙂1 year, 5 months ago #205007NicholeParticipant
Thanks for sharing everything that’s going on over there, Sabs. We are definitely here for you and it’s because we want to and because we love you. This is our work! All of us together. ?Thanks for letting us in. xoxo1 year, 5 months ago #204972Sabrina PrattParticipant
I have been in a lot of pain and anguish over here. I keep hearing Kerry’s voice in my head saying “You’ve been white knuckling it.” And it is so true. I want to set this down. I absolutely do not want to go about life this way. I really do need your support.
to put some of my stuff on loud speaker:
My Dad and I got in a big argument over the phone Friday afternoon. My father is an alcoholic. He has a lot of mental illness. And now physical illness. He is killing himself with how much he drinks and smokes. He barely eats. He talks about suicide a lot. It is so difficult not to baby him and enable him. I did not speak my mind from a complete place with him at all. It got messy. He’s unresponsive to my texts and calls. I am always so scared when this happens that he has died. I feel sick thinking about it. I am in pain around this relationship in my life. I feel like a bad daughter and like a horrible, selfish monster that I can’t escape from my own evil skin.
I am freaking out about the debt that I have been accumulating. I am so anxious that I am going to run out of money/not be able to afford my life and will lose my beautiful house and my adorable little fuzzy family. I feel like a bad dog and cat Mom already. Like I am hiding my mess in a lie. A lie that says, “I am bad with money and will always be a broke ass bitch.” And that sucks and is scary and gives me so much anxiety! I had to dip into my savings to pay Berna last month. I am super nervous that the tidal wave is going to catch up with me and take me down.
The very nice fella I have been dating for the past few months and I had kind of a painful conversation Saturday morning. It was good and sad and disappointing and a relief and left me feeling confused and a little bit heart sick and now I am not exactly sure where we are at or what is going on between us. Relationships are really painful and often hard for me to get close to and trust people in general.
My sweet neighbor has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. She has been battling this cancer for the last 2 years. This diagnosis is very grim and gut wrenching. I know she was optimistic that this was over and her diagnosis came the day after her 5th wedding anniversary. Seeing her husband going in and out of their house late at night and early in the morning when he gets home from the hospital makes me so sad. I want to help them and I don’t know how best to do that other than offering up my love and prayers. If you have prayers to spare that would be so appreciated. Her name is Adrienne and her husband is Robert. I used to work at Gilda’s Club in Chicago. It’s a cancer support community. I saw many people in their last days. I haven’t realized until recently how deeply that work affected me. My heart is breaking for them and I feel helpless about it.
I am feeling heart sick about how things went at module. I feel caught and stuck and like I can’t seem to figure it out/get it right. I am not sure what I have done wrong and I don’t know how to correct it from here. I took completion to my coach this week and I am taking on completion as best as I know how. I am so sad to be “on the outside” of our team, as my SM would have me believe that I am. From my automatic I want to “cut my losses and admit defeat and get out before I cause more disruption and hurt more people.” My SM is telling me that I don’t know how to be in this world without hurting others and it feels awful.
I know that I have a context around support from team that says I am being punished. My SM gives me amnesia about how things really go and right now I am taken out by a very overwhelmingly loud voice in my head that says, “Well- you fucked it up again. Not really sure how you did that so quickly but you have alienated everyone again and they hate you and are so annoyed that they now have to call you.” The voice says receiving support from others is burdensome to them and me, that I am incapable and an incompetent loser which is why I need support in the first place. It tells me that if I was stronger, better, an actually nice or good person, then this wouldn’t be required.
I am kind of drowning over here AND I am very open to doing things differently. I do need your voices to be stronger than my own for awhile, please. It’s pretty awful to be trapped on this inside with this nightmare screaming at me.
Many thanks to Nichole for setting up daily calls with team.
Here is what I have so far:
LKT: Monday 9am
Nichole: Tuesday 9am
Charlie: Wed 9am
Jeff: Wed 10am
Britt: TBD Thursday
Juliana: Friday 3pm
Mike: TBD Saturday
LKT and I had a great chat this morning and she invited me to design this support in such a way that I am not “punishing myself” but am looking forward to team calls and am excited for them. I am interested in designing this with team.
For now, my request is that team members call me. I am not reliable to call you at our appointed times. Although I have blocked out those times on my calendar and will be available. My SM just has me so believing that I am bad, wrong and a burden that I already know I won’t pick up the phone to call and “bother” you with my “neediness.”
Ok, thank you so much and hope you have an incredible Monday!!!
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